21st February 2017 - 4:00 | London UK, London |
For most part of my life, I have felt patronised, disillusioned, lonely and confused when people have said that I am good looking guy and that I should not be on my own or it should not be hard to find a female partner in my life. I have battled with the demons - in that case, so why am I lonely then?
It all began to unravel for me at the age of 33 when I was diagnosed as having an austisic spectrum disorder, namely Asperger Syndrome, that had gone unnoticed or undetected for near all my life. I always knew I had some demons in my head but could not relate to them nor recongnise what they were. This explains why I have Asperger's then.
I have found it almost impossible to meet a partner and going to meet someone would be a frightening prospect for me in the busy noisy crowded places of today where you would normally meet someone. My ideal environment would be to be meet and be with a person in a house together where there is no one around to bother us, but in the real world people don't meet in this circumstances but rather publicly for obvious reasons. This is why it can be very challenging for me to meet someone in public without feeling extremely nervous, tense and anxious under these circumstances.
I have felt lonely for most part of my life now and it is obvious to note why this is. I guess my diagnosis of having Asperger's has made a lot of sense to me and given me answers to my life that I had needed; but that doesn't stop me from feeling so lonely and needy at times when all you need and yearn for is a nice warm cuddle. I imagine of all the normal things couples do such. I also love the idea of candle lit surroundings that connotes a calm and warm atmosphere. But maybe this is just a dream for me. I can be very impulsive indeed, surrounding these ideas.
I now feel I am getting older everyday where I should be spending it with someone close to me, whom I can trust, being together. But I fear with my condition and lack of support in my life, makes it just that even more difficult to accomplish what I really want. Life is so hard when you're an aspie and keep forever worrying about will it ever happen which is an anxiety in itself!
Thanks for reading :o)
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