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The Eight Stages Of Tempestuous Love

7th May 2013 - 10:36 | London UK, London | Age 38

According to an article in a magazine a committed relationship goes through five key stages. These apparently are:

1. The Romance Stage
This is when you and your partner have just met and everything is fantastic. You can't get enough of each other and your entire life revolves around passionate love and hot amazing sex.

2. The Disillusionment Stage
This is where you eventually realize your partner is actually a human being. You get to know each other more and more and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings.

3. The Power Struggle Stage
As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other now although still hoping that differencies can be resolved.

4. The Stability Stage
This is a peaceful and enjoyable time compared to the last phase. Some people never make it this far but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner.

5. The Commitment Stage
This is when both of you have a clear notion of who your partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore.. yet you make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases because of those things). Life together acquires an easy going continuity and you cannot live apart.

Now I read this article in disbelief as none of my relationships have ever been like this, especially the last one. (hihi, if you are reading!)

Instead my relationships go through stages more like the ones outlined below:-

1. The 'Who-the-hell-are-you-and-how-did-you-get-here?' Stage
This is where I wake up with a pounding headache next to a slim pretty girl though I'm not entirely sure who she is. Clothes may or may not be scattered around the floor. She may or may not be wearing panties but probably not. She may or may not awake and rush to the bathroom (but end up in the airing cupboard) to be sick, leaving me to remember the events of the night before.

2. The Introduction Stage
This is where we finally get acquainted. Usually she will be hanging over the toilet bowl being sick and I may or may not be pissing in the basin whilst telling her how and where we met and what a goer she is. Too weak and confused to resist, she gives me her phone number although politely but unfortunately declines my suggestion that she performs an act of oral love on me.

3. The Sober Meeting Stage
We meet up again when we are sober and bright eyed and I realise that she really is quite cute. In fact really she's very sexy. Without the curse of alcohol we are both on our best behaviour. We get on fabulously and we part after a chaste kiss promising to meet up again soon.

4. The Still On Best Behaviour Stage
Comfortable familiarity. The sharing of romantic poetry and long Messenger sessions when we're supposed to be working. Dinners, films and walks in the park. Thinly veiled secretive lusting and only the minimum of sexual groping. This stage lasts for approximately a week.

5. The Lust Stage
Nothing else exists in the universe except her. I forget all about my friends and family. I don't need food and water to sustain life. I fear that my heart will burst from excessive joy. No dinners, no films, just a tangled mass of naked, sweating, thrusting bodies. Our neighbours pound on ceiling/walls/floor, shouting at us to keep the bloody noise down. This stage lasts for approximately two months.

6. The Familiarity Breeds Contempt Stage
She starts raiding the refrigerator or turning on the television after sex. The frequency and timing of sex becomes predictable. She no longer makes sure her legs are shaved, or anywhere else which I rather liked, and she forgets sexy lingerie or fishnets because they're such a bother. I fantasise about other women whilst getting it on. Friends begin hearing from me again. We start farting and burping in front of each other now. This stage lasts for around a month.

7. The 'You-are-really-pissing-me-off' Stage
What we once considered to be cute habits of each other are now quite annoying and she always seems to be criticising my driving. I have a desire to spend more and more time with my mates and even accept a party invite without telling her. I refer to her as 'the nag'. She moans at me constantly for not fixing the bathroom tiles and I forget her birthday which causes a great deal of trouble. She masturbates because she says sex is too much of an effort. I flirt with other women and she mentions far too often 'Sebastian' the new guy at her office who is tall and handsome with a delish French accent. The Messenger sessions are now well and truly over. This lasts for two weeks.

8. The Door Slam and Flounce Out Stage
This is where it all ends after a mutual display of pent up emotion. I tell her that she's no fun anymore and she throws the heaviest object she can find which I catch adding to her infuriation. There is a nasty fight over who owns a particular CD, apparently just because I paid for it does not mean it is mine because she was with me at the time.
She then drowns her sorrows in a whole tub of Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge ice cream while calling her best friend to wail at how heartbroken she is and saying everything is my fault. I meanwhile spend a very satisfying evening in the pub with my mates who welcome me back wholeheartedly to the batchelor life.

So, who would like to go through the 8 stages with me.. or would you prefer just Stage 5 ?
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