25th September 2013 - 12:12 | London UK, london | Age 40
In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly the mood will disappear)
I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".
I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.
I may call you the following day. I may not.
On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding).
We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.
I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle.
Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...
YOU MUST BE
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
Over one-night stands.
Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.
Not looking to get married, but maybe over the fuck buddy status.
Able to say "no" and scream "yes".
Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty
TOGETHER, WE WILL
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often
laugh at others and harder at ourselves
WE WILL NOT
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
care what everyone else thinks
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration
Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of Lady, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at...
I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 4 months pregnant, don't respond
I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as my girth does not exceed your height.
Bring your A-game
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