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Rantings of a depressed guy who can only ever get laid when he pays for it

4th April 2014 - 19:40 | London UK, N London

Hello. I am 27 years old, unemployable, and seemingly have missed every boat when it comes to employment or women. I've only had sex a dozen times since 2008 when I cracked and decided to lose my virginity to an escort. I have never had an unpaid fuck, so 'spiritually' I am still a virgin, which for a man today is fucking unbearable. I only have (paid) sex three times a year.

I can't even get it up with an escort anyway, let alone cum. I know the situation is 'artificial' and that the woman has little or no attraction for me. Even though they offer GFE, they hold back and I can feel it. I love kissing, and massaging a woman's body, but with an escort I never get a full hard-on, so we have some crap sex with my semi covered by a rubber that takes away all the feeling, so I end up losing my semi while I'm trying to shag them. It goes without saying that this problem limits the amount of positions than can be done, so we're restricted to missionary and cowgirl.

I don't even have the enjoyment of masturbation to fall back on. I had a tight foreskin until I got a circumcision a few years ago. Even now, I can't get myself hard, let alone cum. I do get wet dreams though, so I know the plumbing works. It's all in my head - with depression, et al - and I know that fucking escorts is not ideal for me, but I am left with no other choice. It's either crap sex with an escort, or absolutely nothing.

None of it seems to feel real to me. Whether it's watching porn or fucking escorts. It seems I need the ego boost and motivation of a woman who can't keep her hands off me and is totally into me. I never had that, and will likely never have that. That isn't something you can buy.

I suppressed my sexual urges through my teens in order to attempt to keep myself sane, and have probably done too good a job on that. I need a proper relationship with a patient women to bring me out of these issues. Which won't happen any time soon.

Despite going to college some years ago now, I never had any luck with getting work and so have been stuck on the dole for more years than I ever want to remember. I also have the imminent prospect of starting degrading and morale-destroying workfare serfry at the end on the month. Working 35 hours a week in a shit job, sweeping streets or some other drudgery for only £2 an hour; which is a fucking despicable thing to do to a person who has the misfortune of being unemployed. I've done placements before, and I am doing volunteering now. I still never get an interview, with all the middle men who infest job sites.

I am on a housing list to relocate to another part of the country, but months and years are passing and my hopes are dying. All my hopes for my life are being constantly delayed.

Needless to say, I am not the most social person. Being terminally jobless and stuck at home for the foreseeable has probably made me the most unfuckable man alive. I get that.

Having battled depression for years for various reasons, I am still hopelessly fighting to stay above water. It has all become a self fulfilling prophecy - Depressed unsociable guy can't get work > Can't get laid > Gets further depressed.

Websites like these don't fucking help either. The amount of time I have wasted posting ads on CL and responding to ads; only to never get answers, and more often than not, aren't even fucking real anyway. I've even considered fucking feminine queers / crossdressers / trannies up the arse, that is how desperate I am to get an unpaid fuck. It seems to be worse than prison. To be a guy who can't get sex in this increasingly sexualised world is a living hell.

Just as bad as that, my hair rapidly thinned out four years ago, and I fucking loved my hair. I had a couple of years warning to prepare for it, and now keep my head shaved. In recent years, I grew a beard. I am stocky too. What I know is unforgivable though is that I am only 5'5". So I tick all the 'never fuck this guy' requirements in a woman's appraisal.

I try to have a routine of going out to places for a breakfast or whatever, so I usually see women serving behind the bar at Wetherspoons and the like, though this never ever goes beyond pleasantries. I am lucky to exchange two dozen words with women in a typical week. No women want to talk to me outside of that so there is zero chance of chatting any of them up.

So my life is a purgatory. Stuck in poverty, trying to find a background job that will let me hide from the PR relations crap that most jobs seem to be these days with phones and customer care and call centre bollocks. Being put though numerous failed government programs for the unemployed and still not getting a job, and now soon being put to enforced manual work like a criminal for a serf wage. And I will never get laid, never be looked at by a woman with any affection or lust, never really be able to build any good sexual experience, let alone be comfortable and happy in a relationship. And my twenties are almost over. If my life were a football match, the first half was a boring goal-less draw.

It stands to reason why people who never got laid enough become oddballs and crazies. It is not physically or mentally healthy for a grown man not to have any sexual release.

So through all this, I know I do not meet any of the criteria for being 'a man' - Job, money, his own place. I am an absolute fuck-up, and the worst thing is; I realize that.
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